Six things I needed to know at 13.

Maybe it's because the end of the year is drawing close, or maybe because so much of my life is going to change in the next year, but I've been feeling a little nostalgic. But not the "warm fuzzy feeling" nostalgia. I look back on my life thus far and I wish I could tell myself a few things.

So here are a few things I wish I could tell myself when I was 13.

1. It's not the end of the world. 
You're 13. So you're life sucks. But it's not the end of the world. Each time you cry yourself to sleep because the jerk who sits behind you in history tells you your Jesus is stupid will be balding before he graduates high school. Speaking of which, you haven't even gotten to high school yet! Stop focusing on your problems and yourself, there is a girl who sits next to you who needs you. Loving others will do more for you than you know.

2. You don't need to take another selfie. 
You're 13. I promise you, they already know what you look like. You don't actually need the attention. You're parents really do love you. You already know you're beautiful. Stop editing the pimples out of your photos, it's just a part of growing up. Don't worry about your skinny legs, frizzy hair, or small chest. You have a few more years to grow up. Stop looking at yourself in the mirror and hang out with your mom. Don't worry about wearing makeup yet, it really isn't that cool. You're beautiful because Christ made you so, not because the little punk with too much Axe body spray told you so. So put down the camera and read a book. Or better yet, play outside! You're looking a little pale.

3. You're not going to marry him. 
You're 13. In seven years you will laugh. He's a punk, love. He's not going to complete you. Don't be so harsh on your dad when he scares him away. Your dad was right. It's okay if the boy doesn't like you. Dating leads to marriage, there are other ways of "socialization". You're not going to marry your high school boyfriend either. Stop worrying about what everyone else does or thinks and be yourself. And stop obsessing about ironically being "different". Go ahead and wear the tie-dye t-shirt that awesome dad got you on a deployment, even if your class teases you about being a hippy. Give it a year and they'll all be doing it to. The skinny jeans were a good choice, don't listen to your her.

4. Don't be so hard on yourself. 
You're 13. Be 13. Don't try to be 16, or 30. Just be a kid. Life is about to get harder. So calm down and be young. The GPA you're about to be obsessed with in high school isn't going to be worth anything. Stop bragging about your grades, it's not cool. Just because you're not the prettiest girl in the room doesn't mean you have to be the smartest. Just be you. Don't be afraid to love Jesus. But don't do "Christian" things to get attention either. Relax about your friends, you don't have to (and can't) solve all their problems.

5. Your friends don't complete you. 
You're 13. Like I just said, you are not the glue to your friendships. Let them mess up, it will help them grow. Stop making promises. You don't have to be "besties" with everyone, just live at peace with all. Don't spread yourself thin in order to make them happy, they won't return the favor. In fact, in a few months, they won't care much about you the next four years. And that's okay. It's life. You're growing up, things change. Let them. Stop taking sides, life is hard enough without making things harder. Have true perspective.

6. Jesus is all. 
I mean really. Take is seriously. You can get by without knowing all the other five things, but this one is crucial. You need him. He deserves your all, not your scraps. Don't use him for your own gain. Put down the New Testament "magazine" bible, and pick up the real one. Stop hiding behind your shyness. It's not going to be a good enough excuse in eternity. You're at war, stop crying about the meanies in gym. Love them, don't be afraid of them. Take up the armor you were given and love. For real. Middle school is a moment, not an eternity. High school is even smaller than that. So stop giving more weight to what doesn't deserve it, and give true weight to the Son.

In Christ. 

5 Things you didn't know about long-distance relationships.

I sit under a nice warm blanket on my favorite chair tonight. I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. Tomorrow my life will be flipped upside down. After almost two years, my boyfriend/fiancé will be moving home. This is not to say that my entire world revolves around him, and by him moving home I am made whole. Nope. I just mean that my days will look very different with him in them. And I thought it'd be appropriate on this eve.

Long distance relationships have a bad wrap. TV always portrays one or both people cheating, doubting, feeling overwhelmingly needy, etc. And they almost never work out. So I'm writing tonight to let y'all know a little of what they're actually like. 

All in all, it's not THAT bad. 

At least, these days it isn't. 50 years ago, I might have been saying something different. But there are too many avenues to communicate with, I can't really complain. So here are a few things that I have learned these couple of years:

1. If you are in Christ, you are already fulfilled.

This goes for all relationships, but it is profoundly important to remember when your partner is physically absent. I can imagine these two years would have been unbearable if I expected Fiancé to fill all my needs. He was never meant to do that. We would have broken up for sure. You will be forced very early on to rely on Christ, because you don't even have the option to rely on him/her. They can't be there to wipe your tears after a rough day at school or work, punch the jerk (figuratively) in the face for harassing you, or cuddle up next to and watch a movie. My man has been "there" for me and very supportive of course, but 750 miles can be tricky. But I got to learn how to love and enjoy him, instead of idolizing my "need" for him. 

2. It's better than the alternative.

I think I've explained this to a thousand people. If you find yourself in our situation, you have two options: be with him at any means, or don't. We clearly didn't think the latter was an option. Sure it's not ideal. But wait, isn't God's plan always ideal? If you know like we knew that this person is who God has intended for you to build a life with (and that person is on the same page), a 100 miles and a few years fades into the distance. God has a bigger picture, and if this is the way he can bring about more glory to himself, who are you to complain? Sure, you could wait a few years, date other people, bring in more baggage from the emotions of having more relationships than you need (one, once) THEN decide, when you think you're ripe and ready to be together. But that could be a mistake. If God has called you to this person, he will prepare and give you the strength for such a time as this. I learned so much from these two years. I grew myself, we grew together, and when God decided we were ripe and ready to be near each other, he prepared us along the way, and now he is coming home. 

3. Temptation is real. 

I'm not even gonna lie to you, this part sucks (it gets even worse if you get engaged). Couples in normal relationships struggle of course, but it's just a whole other playing field. When you have a few days together every few months, the enemy is going to use that against you. You'll think you need to make up for all the lost time. But you don't. If you are in Christ, you have died to self. Don't submit to this yoke of slavery again. The Spirit is there to strengthen you, but just have to listen and submit. It's not worth the emotional and spiritual damage you do to your relationship and yourself to let your flesh rule over you. Remember, you are IN CHRIST, you can overcome it. It is entirely possible. You just have to remind yourself of the Gospel. 

4. People don't actually understand.

I think the most annoying thing is the well-meaning people you talk to about your relationship. They either point out how much distance sucks (Oh, I didn't realize it was hard??) or share how hard it was being apart from their person for that week last summer. I'm not saying that's not hard, but it's like comparing college football to the NFL (although I probably am not the person to compare them, because I'm not exactly a sports person...but you get the point!). Just give me a pat on the back for sticking it through, and ask me how he's doing, that all we want. 

5. It's a communication rollar coaster.

It's kind of a funny thing, communicating across miles and miles. It's actually easier when they're away, than when they come to visit for a weekend. You have to think about what you say before you text it. You don't take them for granted as easily, because every word, phone call, and Facetime is essential. And if you get annoyed by them, you're less likely to say something out of anger. You care more about how their days were, because you actually weren't there to experience it with them. You just have to be super intentional. But when you're together for a week, both your systems are uprooted in a flash. You go from living a fairly autonomous life, to suddenly having them there all day with you. It's overwhelming at times. Your entire life is pretty much on hold when they're there. You squeeze 3 months of relationship into 4 days. You're both overjoyed to be in their arms and weirdly annoyed at the smallest things you never noticed before (not to mention you will spend a lot more money in those couple of days, which is also stressful). Suddenly there is a living person in front of you, not a phone. You can't ignore them. You have to learn to adjust to the waves, or you will both crash and end up fighting and saying things you can never take back. Be gentle. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. 

I hope you're encouraged by this if you in a long-distance relationship or considering one. 

Here's to tomorrow, the death of long-distance.

In Christ.

Why theology isn't just for men.

Why is it that women often function (even if they don't verbally say it) as if theology is just for men? Is it because only men can be pastors and other leaders in church ministry? Is it because mothers are too busy raising their children and running a home? Is it because young women think they can rely on a husband or other male peers to learn it for them? Is it only a masculine thing to do? Do women think that if they knew too much about God, men would be intimidated or turned off by it? Does it even matter to us? Should it matter to us?

Until about two or so years ago, about as much theology could be summed up in John 3:16. I knew the story of the Gospel. The Son became flesh, lived a perfect life in my place, died a horrible death in my place, and rose again. I had that down. And while this is sufficient to live and share with others the story of Christ, it was just one thin layer off the top of the knowledge of God. As I began, and continue to do so every day, to study who God is, who we are as mankind, and what the world is like according to the Word, the more the Gospel I learned. 

Knowing God is like a diamond that has innumerable facets on it. I look (often) at my engagement band. It has one main stone, and several smaller ones along the sides. I could see it just fine looking at its main face, but the more I turn it and examine it, I learn more about it, and it becomes even more beautiful with all of its intricacies. I learn more about who I am in Christ and who Christ is the more I examine Him. The story becomes more beautiful to me the deeper I go. Instead of my sin becoming smaller the more "Christ-like" I am, I unveil more disgusting layers of the filth in my heart. And in return, I see Christ's sacrifice as even bigger, more weighty. It makes me want to fall to my knees in worship. And it makes me want to obey. His sacrifice is so large, anything I could think to give to Him would pale in comparison. It will humble you more than anything. 

So why do some women, including myself at times, think theology is off limits to us? We all read our Bibles, which is more than sufficient to be our guide. But why do we think learning from "old dead guys" is so beyond us? Don't you think we as women could learn from great Christians of the past that have gone through life and learned things about God? Or picking up the huge book with all the big words and reading a couple pages at a time? I promise it isn't boring! 

Hebrews states this, "...by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food, for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil. Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and faith toward God..." 

Do we not think this applies to us as women? Is it really ok for us to remain children in our faith, being spoon fed basic information over and over again by pastors once or twice a week? I don't know about you, but I'm tired of doing this. I want more. I want more of God. 

When I "grow up", my dream would be to to instill a desire in women to learn of God on their own, and to teach them how. To be like the few women that I have been able to sit under and watch them live as biblical women. To be a part of transforming the coming generation of Christian women.

Desiring to learn theology doesn't always mean going to seminary. It doesn't mean becoming a missionary or pastor's wife either. Any woman, young or old needs it. It can help teenagers struggling through growing up. It can help a mother disciple her children. It can teach a wife how to be submissive to her husband in a Godly manner. It can give a woman compassion for the lost around her, for her family, for her friends. It will transform you. Inside and out. 

Please join me in abandoning our tendencies of settling for less and being spoon-fed. Christ is our High Priest too! 

In Christ.

How the Gospel can change the way you treat people.

The Gospel can change your life. It changed mine, and is continually changing mine everyday. It's not a magical incantation you say as an eight year old, it's a slow process of stripping everything about you that runs from God toward a new you, the real you that lays beneath the shadow of the Cross in a humble surrender. This process is continual, each Christian you meet is a work-in-progress. If we finished cooking, God would have taken us from the Earth by now. But as you can see, He has not. So there is still work in me, and all others in Christ.

That being said, I'd liked to share how the Gospel has been transforming the way I treat people. All people. Fiance, family, close friends, acquaintances, strangers. Brothers and Sisters in Christ and lost people.

Before I was in Christ, I was searching. I was empty. I needed filling. I tried to fulfill my needs with people, like most people do. But each relationship left me dry and emptier than before. My parents were (are) loving, incredible people, but as humans, they could never fill the needs that were designed to be sustained by the Father through Christ. As a child, I had one best friend. She was all I had, I was all she had. We were placing all our eggs in a basket that was never meant to hold the weight of another human soul. When I moved away at 12, I was naturally devastated, as was she. As I began to form new friendships, I would jump in so quickly that I would always be left to hang; no one could fill me up. Not one person, not two, not ten. The story is the same with crushes and dating relationships. I expected so much from them, I would suck them dry of everything I needed until they were left a broken shell of a person. The same happened vice versa.

The evidence could continually pile up, but I think you get the point; people cannot complete us. Not one, not two, not ten. People can't fix me, Christ can. The hollowness is supposed to point to the glaringly obvious Savior. People were not placed on this earth to serve us, they're PEOPLE. It's no wonder this world is messed up, every person is walking around thinking every other person is there for them! It's ridiculous, and I thank the Lord that He revealed this part of my ugly sinful heart in order that He could make me clean.

Since Christ not only filled in the gaping hole in my heart, but also gave me a new heart, I see things differently (although my sinful flesh fights me daily in this). I don't look to Fiance for satisfaction, because I know he wasn't given to me for that purpose. I don't look to friends to fix my emotional problems because I have the Holy Spirit inside me who is my Helper. I don't need to put so much pressure on people now that the weight of my heavy soul has been lifted. I don't look at strangers as if they're out to get me, but see them as sad people with the same predicament that I had! If I can continually learn to serve people instead of forcing them to serve me, I can maybe get the opportunity once in a while to brag on my Healer, instead of giving them more emotional baggage after leaving them like others did to me.

People are gifts, not gods. They're never going to fix you, fulfill you, sustain you, complete you, worship you, restore you, or keep you going (or anything else you crave). They were never made for that. They can help you or neglect you, but they fill never make you whole. Look to Christ.

In Christ. 

Why I'm not marrying my best friend.

It's been a few weeks since I've posted. This is partly from traveling, Thanksgiving and family, yada yada yada. It's also from a desire to wait until I thought I had something worthwhile of sharing.

As I am getting married in about 6 months, I may be more sensitive or possibly just more aware of things having to do with marriage and the like. I've often seen, especially in the past few months of young women stating that they're "marrying their best friend in [insert number of days]". And while there is nothing inherently wrong with saying this, and I'm sure it may be earnestly true for some, I think for the vast majority of those in my situation, it just isn't accurate.

First off, the title "best friend" has been massacred in this current generation to the point where it is virtually meaningless. Girls and women (including myself up until the past few years) use it for any person, male or female, that they spend any significant amount of time with. And it is used for ANY close friend. And again, there is nothing BAD about having many friends, or even many close friends, but the word "best" means there is an actual "best". The first place runner in a marathon is the "best" runner, not the second or third or fourth... I could use a thousand other examples, but I think you get the point. And I know language is a living organism in the sense that it is always changing, but can we all agree to be more intentional with the English language?

I have a handful of close friends, all very different girls that I have special relationships with. One speaks truth into me, another is for comforting company, another to speak truth to, and another to walk next to in life, etc. None of these women are inherently better than the next, but I wouldn't call all of them my "best friend" just because I love them more than and spend more time with than other friends. And I may be considered one of their best friends, but that doesn't mean they have to be mine. I think it's ok to have a couple of best friends, but to have ten? That's a little excessive. Friends naturally come and go as a person grows and develops into the person they become. It's one thing for a young teenager to proclaim their abundance of best friends, but if you're an adult, it's time to be real with yourself. I understand wanting a girl to feel special by calling her your "best friend", why not use something less general?

And the older I get, I learn (the hard way) that I can never really have a male best friend. Unless they (if I'm being honest with high school self) are an idol in my life and I am sinfully leaning on them for some sort of male approval, affection, fulfillment, or whatever. Again, I'm sure this is no blanket statement, but it is my personal experience, and I'm positive more women can relate to this than not. There is just some level of physical, mental, or spiritual sense that cannot be transgressed as a Christian without crossing a line that was never meant to be drawn. If you have to change the way you treat a male friend once you start a relationship or marriage with another man, you should never have acted in that manner in the first place (and that is a blanket statement!).

So to my original point: why I'm not marrying my best friend.

Simple answer? HE'S (going to be) MY HUSBAND NOT MY BEST FRIEND.
Fiancé and I are very close. We have learned to communicate pretty well while enduring long-distance. We spend a lot of time together. We laugh a lot and enjoy each other's company. We probably know more about each other than any other person does. We trust each other. We love each other more than any other person or relationship. We're committed to each other (divorce is not a word we will ever use in our home). All of this and more are what most girls, if they saw this written on paper, would ascribe to their several best friends. But this is not. This is (or will be in a fuller sense once we are married) a spousal relationship. It is special, different, consecrated.

Once I am married, I should never be able to compare any other relationship, whether with my mom, friends, or man, etc. And to slap a vague, common title of "best friend" onto my HUSBAND is nothing but a despairing insult. When Fiancé and I marry, we will become one. I am not "one" with
any girlfriend. I would never use such vague language to describe my relationship with him. He's my journey partner, I don't get to abandon him the first sign of disappointment.

On another note, it would be a bit unfair to place "marriage" expectations on one of my girlfriends or expect the kind of communication level I have with another woman with my masculine Fiancé.  Men and women quite obviously communicate differently, and there is nothing wrong with that. It was designed that way by God! So each relationship is to be treated differently, because they are in fact, different.

A girlfriend could understand some things without really having to express them verbally, but you may have to spell out to your partner. And the same goes vice verca. And some things just can't be transferred across relationships, but are meant to be kept private. I can't go around slashing my man to my friends in the name of honesty, and I shouldn't share intimate details of a woman's life to him.

So let's be frank with ourselves and keep the natural boundaries between the different types of relationships.  They're there for a reason. Let's be more intentional with the way we speak.

Thanks for listening to me babble.

In Christ.

Sovereign

God is so sovereign. He has such perfect timing. Every rut He has you is the very best place for you to be. Think of that. Of all the scenarios that you could possibly be in, the one you are in, whether completely heart wrenching or utterly exhilarating, is exactly the place that brings God the most glory. Think about that some more. God has a plan. A plan with purpose. An incredibly intricate plan spread across millennia with the little sliver that is your life included somewhere within. And your life has its own intricacies. Every little breath of every human to ever live, all ordained by God. And this plan has an end, and the end will be our good (for those In Christ) and His glory.

So here is a little taste from my own experience of how to keep that perspective amidst all the pain you may be in now.

As described in my previous post here, I have dealt with depression from teenage years on. My biggest pit came shortly after high school. I lost a boyfriend, along with most of my friends (his friends). My family wasn't there. I moved away to the largest university in the U.S. (and for an introvert, this is really hard to deal with). I had a lot of free time with a light class load, giving me too much time to sit alone in my apartment thinking of how terrible I was, how no one loved me, and praying my life would end before waking the next morning. I watched thousands of people around me living lives that seemed meaningless to me. I went out for the Rowing team, and it was pretty much the only thing that got me out of bed each day. But even that became too much for me and I quit just before finals. I hadn't found a church yet, so I was away from the Body. I was too numb to read the Word regularly. Basically you get the point, it was a pretty rough first semester.

Row, row, row your boat!

But looking back, I see God working when I couldn't see or hear him then. I had a job at the church the summer when I "lost it all", where I not only was forced to get out of the house, but I had men and women (even if my friends had left me) pouring truth into me. Entering school, my classes weren't too hard (although it gave me a lot of time, it didn't add to the stress). Two of my three roommates ended up being pretty amazing once I left my room (so I didn't have drama there either). I had a really great older friend to speak truth to me, watch TV shows, and have some gentle company. I had a car, so I wasn't STUCK and I could go home (which I did often that first year). I had rowing, so at least I didn't gain a lot of weight and feel like sloth, and I got to be out on a huge beautiful lake everyday. My school was paid for. Although I felt so much, I had so much more to be thankful for. I may have felt dead on the inside, but God kept me alive. You can see this from my first few posts when I started this blog that semester.

All the pruning, pressing and molding was for a purpose. I look back on how my life could have gone if God had continued to let me go down my own road. It could've been an enjoyable life, even God-glorifying on some level. But He wanted more for me, and he knew that this was the only way for stubborn me to get there.

By December I was pretty much out of my pit. Not to say I wasn't still sad sometimes, but I found a way to fall asleep without tears, and my smiles became genuine. I "awoke" from the numbness shortly before finals after becoming involved with another Christian guy. I was pretty desperate for attention (that stupid approval idol). I walked right into a trap. And I got caught. God dumped a bucket of water on my sleeping soul, and it was enough to snap me back to life. So I got the tattoos I'd wanted for years to remember my encounter with God then.

Jehovah Jireh: "God will provide."
Jehovah Shammah: "God is there."

Within a month a met my future husband. This is not a formula for getting a man. "Do this, go through that, and God will bring you a husband." It doesn't work like that. This is simply my story. Around New Year's, Future Husband came home from seminary. I knew the man, but I didn't meet him till he was hanging out with the college group (and me). It was perfect timing. I wouldn't have been prepared for such a time unless I had gone through that emotional ringer. He was tired of dating and hadn't met anyone at school. I was just into college, so I was never on his radar until then. I guess you could say we "hit it off"?

Once he went back up to North Carolina, and I Orlando, neither of us thought a little mutual attraction could sustain a long-distance relationship merely days after meeting. In some way it didn't; God did. We were able to get to know each other very well without any physical contact, and it taught us how to be intentional with communication. He pursued and I learned how to let him (something I think is much harder as a woman than the former). By the time he came home for Spring Break it was very clear to both of us what this was. So he asked to pursue me (for marriage). God was really providential in that I (a girl with trust/abandonment) immediately trusted him. Something inside me (I'm going to go with the Holy Spirit) drew me toward him without fear. On the other side, Future Husband took his time with pursuing me, where he normally hadn't. God held us together. He continued to for the almost two years apart. And he continues to as he is coming home soon. And will continue to as we enter marriage.

God doesn't waste your sorrows. He planned them, uses them, and draws you to him through them. It's all worth it, I promise.

In Christ. 

Identity

As young woman growing up, my identity was found in everything. As a young girl it was found in my best friend, my parents, and my biggest hero, my sister. But as I got a little older, it slowly moved from people, to things, then again to ideas, then eventually full circle (well in the twenty years I've been here so far) back to people.

I'm an Army Brat, which basically means my dad missed a lot of stuff in the name of "patriotism". He became a Green Beret the day I was born, a day in which he was absent. So right from the beginning, my life formed around his absence. First steps, first words (which were "dada" of course), birthdays, holidays, first days of school, cross country meets, graduation, prom, baptism, college, etc. Don't get me wrong here, my Faja is an excellent one. When he was home, he was fully there. He was skilled in the art of compartmentalization. And he was very attentive to his girls. But the mere absence was enough to forge a father-sized hole in my heart.

When I was twelve, my dad moved out family from my home in Tennessee to Tampa. I hated it. You see, unlike most army brats, my dad found ways of keeping us in one place while he would move, deploy, go to training schools, etc. So this move took a lot from me. I started 7th grade alone. I didn't have a single friend for a least a month into school, and even after that I had the one. I was verbally bullied by girls and boys for my frizzy hair, tie-dye t-shirts, and acne. I cam from a quaint military base where pretty much all the brats got along because they all understood each other, to a place where kids were obsessed with image, dating, and drama. So you could say I didn't really fit in. But this bombardment soon became internalized.

Freshman year of high school. 

I began to change the way I dressed. I wore unusually crafty outfits (as seen above) to get attention or applause. I reveled in the name of "non-conformity". My bold facade gained me a few friends, but I still cried myself to sleep at night. I bigger hole had formed in my heart.

I then sought knowledge. I had always been a fairly smart kid, but I began to seek approval in being intelligent. To impress teachers, peers, and especially my dad (you see, I wasn't the type to get in trouble for attention). But of all my knowledge, I didn't have an ounce of wisdom. And the hole got a little wider.

After this I pursued other accomplishments. In high school running consumed my life. I let it distract me from the pain inside. I used to to impress people. But I was never good enough. I was never as strong as some of the other girls on the team, never as thin. Never worked hard enough to get somewhere. Even as the captain my last year, I would never be as talented as my sister, and for that my dad would never be satisfied with me. I couldn't run from the hole within me.

After a CC meet. We're definitely sisters.

I then built my identity around being a "good little Christian girl". I'd grown up in church, but was virtually dead until I was 13. But I didn't understand where my identity lied yet. I used this new title to bolster all my previous foundations. I dress weirdly, but modestly. I did bold things "in the name of Jesus" for attention. I said things to make my dad happy. But knowing my sin after salvation only served to bring my deeper into depression. My high school years were a blur of happy facades, Christianese, and praying not to wake up each morning.

I truly know that I was saved at 12. I understood the Gospel then. But I didn't live in it yet. So here enters another twist in my story. A boy. A boy who had all the right qualities, personality, etc. I immediately clung to him in friendship and eventually in dating. I was unaware of this foundation when it formed. But I was all too aware when it was stripped from beneath me right after graduation. He was gone. My friends left me. I went away to college. My dad was still gone. I was alone. I had nothing left to cling too.

First semester of college. Rowing: my only distraction.

But God...
He saw me there. He saw me when all my walls disappeared. With only my ugly sin to show for. With everything against me. Nothing to earn his love, nothing to demand any sort of favor.
At my lowest I saw him there. I saw him when all my walls disappeared. With all his grace and mercy to show for. With everything supporting him. Nothing to earn my disobedience, nothing to demand any sort of abandonment.

God was kind to me. He wouldn't allow me to cling to something less satisfying than Himself. He let everything fall. He waited patiently for me to learn the hard way that he alone is my portion. He alone can satisfy. He alone can fill the gaping hole in my soul that I kept filling with dust. And not only was he willing to fill my heart, he made it new. He stripped away the desires that lead to destruction, and drew me near to the things that brought life: Himself. He gave me a new identity. A real identity. One that would stand, one that would last. A daughter. A child. An heir with Christ. In Christ I stand. Not on myself, not on others or anything. To live in Christ is to never search again, for I am found in Him.
In Christ. 

Authenticity

I live in a country where it's very normal to have a church on just about every corner. I go to a very large church where it's likely that I know of less than five percent of it's several thousand members. It's easy to get lost in the shuffle, of all the pomp and circumstance. Stand up. Sit down. Stand back up. Shake a few strangers' hands. Sit back down. Say amen. Raise your hands. "How are you doing?" "Good, you?" "Good." "Pray for my..." "Of course (not)." Repeat a few more times. Then we all get back into our cars, and go about our days. 

I can't help but think I am missing something here. The Christian life has to be more than a few surface-y conversations, convicting sermons we have no real intention of obeying, cheesy radio and bumper stickers, and Lifeway bookstore (not knocking that store, I'm actually a frequent customer). The fact of the matter is that God himself came to die in my stead and was raised from the dead to prove his payment was sufficient. But does this really affect me? Has it really sunk in? Not just a few convicting tears at church camp, not just the christian lingo, not just the theological book sitting on my shelf that I claim to read. Not the serving in Middle school ministry, not being active in the college ministry, or even all the bible studies. It's all meaningless if not in Christ. 

When I'm faced with a choice, what do I so often do? I pray for opportunities to share the Gospel, but I either just miss them or ignore them when they come. Laziness, lack of vigilance, selfishness, fear, etc. You name it, I've felt it. I can only hide behind my introversion for so long. It's not even a good excuse. When a guy walked up to me (just moments after praying for this) offering a "self-actualization" book to me and a moment of my time, that was my cue. Yet I missed it. When the girl sitting next to me in class makes a comment, that was my cue to chime in. When my Jewish professor compliments me on my knowledge of the Old Testament, that was my cue to redirect the glory. Nope. Just "Thank you." Those cues will always keep coming, but I when will I start obeying? When will I actually listen to the Savior and LORD I claim over my life? 

Valley of Vision, "The Great God"

If I'm being honest, I can only think of one handful of lost people in my life. How am I supposed to react to that? The Christian life is not a separatist lifestyle. It's one fully engaged in culture and current events. Yet I mostly live in a bubble. Directly opposed to the Bible and the life and ministry of Jesus Christ, the one whom I claim to be like.

Yet I am also rarely honest with those Christians I see most often. I go about my day, they go about theirs. I go home to an unbelieving sister, brother-in-law, and toddler niece that I hypocritically react to rather than serving them like the Man I pretend to uphold. I treat my mother with a completely inappropriate attitude. I veg in my room on Netflix rather than soaking in the WORD OF GOD (or even homework for that matter!?) I manipulate the people around me, especially my fiancé, to fuel my approval idol. This list could go on for hours. My point is that I am a sinner. And unlike other sinners (lost people), I claim to follow Christ. I ardently say one thing, then oppose it with my next breath. This is much worse. 

"Now the law came to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 5:20-21

This is a promise to which I cling. When I am weak, he is made strong. But in writing this post, my point is not to brush this under the rug again. It serves only to shed light where I often hide. These are things I am thinking of often these days and am daily seeking to turn from through the Holy Spirit in me. Honesty without repentance is just another shade of pride.

In Christ. 

Begin Again.

In the interest of attempting to blog more regularly, I find myself sitting in my pink reading chair with a cup of Starbuck Thanksgiving blend (proof of God's abundant grace on this earth) under my favorite quilt on this late Tuesday morning. In the past I have used this blog as in inspiration board whenever I felt that what I had to say was worth publishing. That usually had something to do with the Gospel, which of course isn't a bad thing, but I wasn't writing consistently enough to actually create a blog. SO here I am starting this over. This will be a blog about my life, my crazy yet at the same time boring yet also confusing and imperfect mess of a life. I hope that by uncovering the mess you (if there are any of you out there!) will see the big God working in my little life to bring glory to himself in my corner of this big world. The messier I am, the more gracious he becomes. Ain't that amazing? BIG GOD, little me.
And as it's a blog about my life, y'all should know a little about it, right?

• I am engaged to the wonderful Michael, he proposed this past October. He is finishing seminary in North Carolina. We have been long-distance since the beginning almost two years ago. 

He did good. 

• I study History, and you may find me relating things to some random person that you may not care about, so bear with me! History means I spend a lot of time reading things that put most people to sleep, but keep me up hours. I'm just a nerd like that. I have a special hankering for Church History. 
• I live with (until I tie the knot next Spring!) my sister (only sibling), her husband, and the crazy-beautiful-exhausting-mess of a one-year old Michaela, my niece. I spend a lot of time with this kid, and will probably mention her a lot.

She really loves to eat!

• I am a Green Beret brat! That basically just means that my dad spent most of my life kicking butts and taking names, but also that I'm from several home towns. I'm still realizing how much the military has affected me, even as an adult. 

My bald baby head wearing Daddy's beret. 

• I love non-fiction books, naps, over-priced coffee, expensive clothing super sales and a military/student discount (JCrew!!), Gilmore Girls marathons, missions, and painting. Among a thousand other things to be revealed at another time....

Here's to a new beginning.

In Christ. 

Dog and Pony

Tampa is the lighting capital of the world. So it's not uncommon to see a heat lighting storm from you backyard. Last night I witnessed by far the most beautiful storm. It was dark, so dark you couldn't tell if there were clouds out, except that you couldn't see a star in the sky. It was a cool night for July in Florida. There was no moon. 

And then you see it. A flicker of brilliant light. Then the night it dark again. Then again, the sky is lit up almost completely by one flash amidst the darkness. And again, and again. And in those moments, things above are seen clearly. The clouds are no longer camouflaged. You see the darkness for what it is. But in the in-between moments, I found it hard to believe the details could possibly be seen; the sky was too grand, too dark to be overcome. 

So I find myself with a new friend on the roof of a USF parking garage, just watching it play out. It was like nothing I had seen before. The majesty of God's creation, so magnificent. There was no rain below the billowing cloud; it was as if God just wanted to display His glory just to display it. 

Then along the skyline we hear a noise, somewhat of a loud, rude noise compared to the silence of the lighting. A way's away is Busch Gardens. They were putting on a fireworks show. I can imagine if I had been at the park watching, it would have been so nice, and seeing how the Fourth was not too long ago, I was still fascinated by fireworks to a point. But this night, this quiet, brilliant night, it was out of place. 

This juxtaposition was so astounding. On the one hand, you had this beautiful, terrifying storm; so huge you could see it for miles and miles. And on the other you had this somewhat terrific and bright show. But it was so small compared to the cloud, especially being outside of it all. Up close on the ground it was probably entrenching to witness. 

I see how as man do this often in life. We try to put on enticing dog-and-pony shows to display how awesome we are, how we don't need God, how we can make it on our own. Then God comes along and shows the hilarity of our efforts. His Son completely blows out best efforts out of the water. We need to make noise to be heard. And what we have to say isn't worth speaking. But God need only be seen to be heard. His breath is in every little minute thing. And it is breathtaking. The heavens do indeed declare the glory of the Lord. 

Thursday

Tomorrow represents a very important day in our history. Some millennia ago, there was a man. But he was no ordinary man. He was God himself. This God was trinitarian (meaning three personas in one essence, or three-in-one). There was a Father, a Son, and a Holy Spirit. These three persons worked together so cohesively, so harmoniously, so unlike any example or metaphor in the natural world. They loved perfectly. There was never any strife, or jealousy, or inequality. They were all equal, but they all served each other. 

Out of this perfect love, they created. Not because they needed anything apart from their own relationship, but because they loved so purely, so abundantly, they wanted to share it. So they hand crafted a beautiful world, full of wonders. A world that could only answer to Him, only could serve Him. It was a beautiful world. But it needed something to maintain itself, a caretaker if you will. So this God created a race called man. And man was to glorify his Creator by serving Him. Then this Godhead decided that man needed a partner, someone to more fully serve God, but also someone that could, when bonded to the man, represent God's own perfect relationship and union with Himself. A union that generate more love, would "create" more by filling this world, that would glorify the God. 

God knew what was good for man and woman. He knew what they needed, and He was overly and abundantly willing to provide for what they needed. But they wanted more. They wanted to be their own gods. And with that, sin entered the world. It would infect the race of man in every person, in every generation to come. Every human would be stained by it from birth. And it would separate God from His creation, which He so loved. But He couldn't just will sin away, because He was above it. His perfection couldn't be near it. And in this new fallen world, terrible things would happen, not just from an individual sin, but because with sin brought death. It wasn't God's fault that these terrible things would happen, it was the result of this death that man was both born into and guilty of as a whole race. God was life, and He wanted life for His creation; this wasn't how it was supposed to be. 

But God had a plan. He would start off by choosing a people from within this race. A small, powerless, clumsy, and imperfect people. He told them what life was like, and His standard for what it looked like. But He knew they could never live up to those rules; that was the whole point. Man couldn't fix himself. God wanted the nations to know what He wanted though. So with this group of sinners, He stayed with them. They left him, scorned him, hated him, did every imaginable thing to get away from him, even after He saved them time and time again. They would never listen. In this, however, He was brought glory. How, you ask? He remained loyal to them; He never gave up on them. Sometimes He would let them have their way, even though He knew it would end terribly. And after they realized it, they would blame Him, and beg for Him to save them. And He would. 

In this messy story, however, he sewed a plan within it. He chose men to warn His people. But He also hinted at a final rescuer; someone who would once and for all defeat sin and death. Then He was silent for several hundred years, He didn't leave them, He was just silent. And they waited. Little did they know it would be God himself who would save them.

The Son, part of the Godhead, was sent by the Father. He lessened Himself to take the form of man. He wasn't any less God, or any less man than any other man. It was a mysterious combination. Nevertheless, it took extreme humility for a creator to become creation, to come off His throne as king and become a peasant. But the Father loved His creation so much, He had to save them. The Son loved the Father so much, He obeyed. The Son became like the very sinners who hated Him, to relate to them. His original people didn't believe that He was really the man who would ultimately save them. The nations didn't believe they needed to be saved. They hated this man.

This man was human in every way. He lived the life of a man, was confronted with every type of sin any man would face. The only difference? He didn't give in. He lived the life that fulfilled every one of those standards from long ago, that no other man could have ever done. He did it for them. And what did they do? Kill Him.

Now we arrive at tomorrow, or have you, Thursday. This day some millennia ago. This man had one day left to live. He had a small group of followers. Friends that spent every day with him, knew him as well as anyone could have. But they wouldn't remain loyal to him, even after seeing everything he could do, after all the love he showed them. For in that time, they were considered the worst sorts of people; the ones everyone acknowledged as sinners (even though every man is a sinner in their heart). They knew they weren't perfect, and this man loved them anyways. 

On this last day, one of these close friends would betray him. And for all of the things, money. Not even a large sum of it either. As unwarranted and disgusting as this may seem, there is something more astounding. This God-man would humble himself yet again, and wash this filthy betrayer's feet; he even knew what he was going to do. And he washed all of their feet. All would abandon him, and he did it anyways. 

So this man was betrayed, and eventually sent to die arguably the most excruciating (which is actually where the term "excruciate" originated) death on a cross. To be crucified. This God-man was beaten to a pulp, unrecognizable, taunted, spat on, despised, held at the same level of true sinners, on either side of him. And as awful as it was, something worse would come. You see, the night before he spoke with his Father, and he begged him to not let this thing that would happen, happen. God himself knew how terrible it would be. But this man wanted the Father's desires over his own self-preservation. He wanted it more than his life. So after a few hours of this unbearable pain, he looked up toward his Father and said "It is finished", and died. And the terrible act that would happen occurred. The Father poured out every ounce of wrath he could ever accumulate on this man. From the very first man and woman, to the  very last far in the future. Every moment, every thought, every action. All the death. All of it. And the Father emptied Himself of all this betrayal onto His Son. Every last bit of it. And once it was over (three days worth of it), just to prove that he was better, that he had overcome it, this man rose from the dead. God defeated it Himself. Not only did He defeat sin, but He gave us the very righteousness, the perfection, the status that He had earned. The perfection we could never attain by any means or degree. The Father looks at His people, and see His Son. And He did it for us. But not ultimately for us. He filled in the wide gap that sin left between Himself and His creation. And the way He had intended for His creation to be would happen someday. But not yet. You see, death was dead, but it wasn't over yet. This God-man would come back one day for his people, for His wayward Bride and complete this story. 

"His people" were no longer just one nation. It was open to all people groups; every tribe, in every language would one day return to their Husband and praise Him. The love that God had created with would one day come back to Him and ultimately glorify Him. The point of creating in the first place. 

So today, we are still waiting. The war was won, but the battles still rage on. Already, but not yet. He made His people clean, but they still live in bodies that would die, until He returned to give them new bodies that would never die. Their spirits were clean, their status of "sinner" had changed to "righteous", but those natural bodies were still infected with the sin. The world still was filled with death. But the world would see His Bride, and praise God for the work He had done. Because the third person of the Godhead would enter in to the souls of His people, never to leave them. They could endure the death and sin, because God Himself was within them, guiding them. His people could now overcome the sin that remained in their bodies. He never would leave them. 

His people are the sinners, undeserving of forgiveness, of grace. They didn't earn anything (no matter how "good" they seemed by worldly standards). It was solely God who did all of it, so that only God cold be glorified. None of His people could boast of any achievement, because that achieved nothing, earned nothing. So because of that free gift, from it, His people were intended to be so thankful for being forgiven that they would WANT to serve Him. Nothing would be forced, because their status couldn't be changed or made better (cause what's better than a "perfect" status?). They can't earn God's love, it was just given. This gift is sufficient for all of the sins of mankind, but it wouldn't cover all of them (Remember, God can't just will away sin, and people can't earn perfection). And some may say, "Well that's malicious." But it really isn't. The fact that God would come down to spare any of us is beyond me. 

I am a daughter of this King. Every sin I have ever thought or done, or ever will was COMPLETELY poured out on the Son. I have the status of "Daughter" to the Father. I am a part of His Bride. I did nothing to earn this. In fact, I have a long list that would suggest other wise. I was born evil, a sinner. I have nothing in me that would warrant grace or mercy. But I don't have to live like that any longer. I have the Son's inheritance from the Father. God Himself is within me, in the form of His Spirit. Daily, I can look sin in its ugly face and say "No". But my body is weak. The war was won, but the battles within rage on. So I fall. I forget what was given to me. And the beautiful thing is, I'm picked back up, brushed off each time, and reminded by the Father "I love you, you are made good enough." by the Son, "I died for that thought you just had, so that you would be good enough." and by the Spirit, "I'm in this for the long haul, there's nothing you could do to make me leave you. You were made good enough." I have this hope. I have a future. I shall not despair. I will fight. I was placed on the winning side. Will you join me?

Soli Deo Gloria,
Mackenzie Thies