Sovereign

God is so sovereign. He has such perfect timing. Every rut He has you is the very best place for you to be. Think of that. Of all the scenarios that you could possibly be in, the one you are in, whether completely heart wrenching or utterly exhilarating, is exactly the place that brings God the most glory. Think about that some more. God has a plan. A plan with purpose. An incredibly intricate plan spread across millennia with the little sliver that is your life included somewhere within. And your life has its own intricacies. Every little breath of every human to ever live, all ordained by God. And this plan has an end, and the end will be our good (for those In Christ) and His glory.

So here is a little taste from my own experience of how to keep that perspective amidst all the pain you may be in now.

As described in my previous post here, I have dealt with depression from teenage years on. My biggest pit came shortly after high school. I lost a boyfriend, along with most of my friends (his friends). My family wasn't there. I moved away to the largest university in the U.S. (and for an introvert, this is really hard to deal with). I had a lot of free time with a light class load, giving me too much time to sit alone in my apartment thinking of how terrible I was, how no one loved me, and praying my life would end before waking the next morning. I watched thousands of people around me living lives that seemed meaningless to me. I went out for the Rowing team, and it was pretty much the only thing that got me out of bed each day. But even that became too much for me and I quit just before finals. I hadn't found a church yet, so I was away from the Body. I was too numb to read the Word regularly. Basically you get the point, it was a pretty rough first semester.

Row, row, row your boat!

But looking back, I see God working when I couldn't see or hear him then. I had a job at the church the summer when I "lost it all", where I not only was forced to get out of the house, but I had men and women (even if my friends had left me) pouring truth into me. Entering school, my classes weren't too hard (although it gave me a lot of time, it didn't add to the stress). Two of my three roommates ended up being pretty amazing once I left my room (so I didn't have drama there either). I had a really great older friend to speak truth to me, watch TV shows, and have some gentle company. I had a car, so I wasn't STUCK and I could go home (which I did often that first year). I had rowing, so at least I didn't gain a lot of weight and feel like sloth, and I got to be out on a huge beautiful lake everyday. My school was paid for. Although I felt so much, I had so much more to be thankful for. I may have felt dead on the inside, but God kept me alive. You can see this from my first few posts when I started this blog that semester.

All the pruning, pressing and molding was for a purpose. I look back on how my life could have gone if God had continued to let me go down my own road. It could've been an enjoyable life, even God-glorifying on some level. But He wanted more for me, and he knew that this was the only way for stubborn me to get there.

By December I was pretty much out of my pit. Not to say I wasn't still sad sometimes, but I found a way to fall asleep without tears, and my smiles became genuine. I "awoke" from the numbness shortly before finals after becoming involved with another Christian guy. I was pretty desperate for attention (that stupid approval idol). I walked right into a trap. And I got caught. God dumped a bucket of water on my sleeping soul, and it was enough to snap me back to life. So I got the tattoos I'd wanted for years to remember my encounter with God then.

Jehovah Jireh: "God will provide."
Jehovah Shammah: "God is there."

Within a month a met my future husband. This is not a formula for getting a man. "Do this, go through that, and God will bring you a husband." It doesn't work like that. This is simply my story. Around New Year's, Future Husband came home from seminary. I knew the man, but I didn't meet him till he was hanging out with the college group (and me). It was perfect timing. I wouldn't have been prepared for such a time unless I had gone through that emotional ringer. He was tired of dating and hadn't met anyone at school. I was just into college, so I was never on his radar until then. I guess you could say we "hit it off"?

Once he went back up to North Carolina, and I Orlando, neither of us thought a little mutual attraction could sustain a long-distance relationship merely days after meeting. In some way it didn't; God did. We were able to get to know each other very well without any physical contact, and it taught us how to be intentional with communication. He pursued and I learned how to let him (something I think is much harder as a woman than the former). By the time he came home for Spring Break it was very clear to both of us what this was. So he asked to pursue me (for marriage). God was really providential in that I (a girl with trust/abandonment) immediately trusted him. Something inside me (I'm going to go with the Holy Spirit) drew me toward him without fear. On the other side, Future Husband took his time with pursuing me, where he normally hadn't. God held us together. He continued to for the almost two years apart. And he continues to as he is coming home soon. And will continue to as we enter marriage.

God doesn't waste your sorrows. He planned them, uses them, and draws you to him through them. It's all worth it, I promise.

In Christ.