Identity

As young woman growing up, my identity was found in everything. As a young girl it was found in my best friend, my parents, and my biggest hero, my sister. But as I got a little older, it slowly moved from people, to things, then again to ideas, then eventually full circle (well in the twenty years I've been here so far) back to people.

I'm an Army Brat, which basically means my dad missed a lot of stuff in the name of "patriotism". He became a Green Beret the day I was born, a day in which he was absent. So right from the beginning, my life formed around his absence. First steps, first words (which were "dada" of course), birthdays, holidays, first days of school, cross country meets, graduation, prom, baptism, college, etc. Don't get me wrong here, my Faja is an excellent one. When he was home, he was fully there. He was skilled in the art of compartmentalization. And he was very attentive to his girls. But the mere absence was enough to forge a father-sized hole in my heart.

When I was twelve, my dad moved out family from my home in Tennessee to Tampa. I hated it. You see, unlike most army brats, my dad found ways of keeping us in one place while he would move, deploy, go to training schools, etc. So this move took a lot from me. I started 7th grade alone. I didn't have a single friend for a least a month into school, and even after that I had the one. I was verbally bullied by girls and boys for my frizzy hair, tie-dye t-shirts, and acne. I cam from a quaint military base where pretty much all the brats got along because they all understood each other, to a place where kids were obsessed with image, dating, and drama. So you could say I didn't really fit in. But this bombardment soon became internalized.

Freshman year of high school. 

I began to change the way I dressed. I wore unusually crafty outfits (as seen above) to get attention or applause. I reveled in the name of "non-conformity". My bold facade gained me a few friends, but I still cried myself to sleep at night. I bigger hole had formed in my heart.

I then sought knowledge. I had always been a fairly smart kid, but I began to seek approval in being intelligent. To impress teachers, peers, and especially my dad (you see, I wasn't the type to get in trouble for attention). But of all my knowledge, I didn't have an ounce of wisdom. And the hole got a little wider.

After this I pursued other accomplishments. In high school running consumed my life. I let it distract me from the pain inside. I used to to impress people. But I was never good enough. I was never as strong as some of the other girls on the team, never as thin. Never worked hard enough to get somewhere. Even as the captain my last year, I would never be as talented as my sister, and for that my dad would never be satisfied with me. I couldn't run from the hole within me.

After a CC meet. We're definitely sisters.

I then built my identity around being a "good little Christian girl". I'd grown up in church, but was virtually dead until I was 13. But I didn't understand where my identity lied yet. I used this new title to bolster all my previous foundations. I dress weirdly, but modestly. I did bold things "in the name of Jesus" for attention. I said things to make my dad happy. But knowing my sin after salvation only served to bring my deeper into depression. My high school years were a blur of happy facades, Christianese, and praying not to wake up each morning.

I truly know that I was saved at 12. I understood the Gospel then. But I didn't live in it yet. So here enters another twist in my story. A boy. A boy who had all the right qualities, personality, etc. I immediately clung to him in friendship and eventually in dating. I was unaware of this foundation when it formed. But I was all too aware when it was stripped from beneath me right after graduation. He was gone. My friends left me. I went away to college. My dad was still gone. I was alone. I had nothing left to cling too.

First semester of college. Rowing: my only distraction.

But God...
He saw me there. He saw me when all my walls disappeared. With only my ugly sin to show for. With everything against me. Nothing to earn his love, nothing to demand any sort of favor.
At my lowest I saw him there. I saw him when all my walls disappeared. With all his grace and mercy to show for. With everything supporting him. Nothing to earn my disobedience, nothing to demand any sort of abandonment.

God was kind to me. He wouldn't allow me to cling to something less satisfying than Himself. He let everything fall. He waited patiently for me to learn the hard way that he alone is my portion. He alone can satisfy. He alone can fill the gaping hole in my soul that I kept filling with dust. And not only was he willing to fill my heart, he made it new. He stripped away the desires that lead to destruction, and drew me near to the things that brought life: Himself. He gave me a new identity. A real identity. One that would stand, one that would last. A daughter. A child. An heir with Christ. In Christ I stand. Not on myself, not on others or anything. To live in Christ is to never search again, for I am found in Him.
In Christ.