Six things I needed to know at 13.

Maybe it's because the end of the year is drawing close, or maybe because so much of my life is going to change in the next year, but I've been feeling a little nostalgic. But not the "warm fuzzy feeling" nostalgia. I look back on my life thus far and I wish I could tell myself a few things.

So here are a few things I wish I could tell myself when I was 13.

1. It's not the end of the world. 
You're 13. So you're life sucks. But it's not the end of the world. Each time you cry yourself to sleep because the jerk who sits behind you in history tells you your Jesus is stupid will be balding before he graduates high school. Speaking of which, you haven't even gotten to high school yet! Stop focusing on your problems and yourself, there is a girl who sits next to you who needs you. Loving others will do more for you than you know.

2. You don't need to take another selfie. 
You're 13. I promise you, they already know what you look like. You don't actually need the attention. You're parents really do love you. You already know you're beautiful. Stop editing the pimples out of your photos, it's just a part of growing up. Don't worry about your skinny legs, frizzy hair, or small chest. You have a few more years to grow up. Stop looking at yourself in the mirror and hang out with your mom. Don't worry about wearing makeup yet, it really isn't that cool. You're beautiful because Christ made you so, not because the little punk with too much Axe body spray told you so. So put down the camera and read a book. Or better yet, play outside! You're looking a little pale.

3. You're not going to marry him. 
You're 13. In seven years you will laugh. He's a punk, love. He's not going to complete you. Don't be so harsh on your dad when he scares him away. Your dad was right. It's okay if the boy doesn't like you. Dating leads to marriage, there are other ways of "socialization". You're not going to marry your high school boyfriend either. Stop worrying about what everyone else does or thinks and be yourself. And stop obsessing about ironically being "different". Go ahead and wear the tie-dye t-shirt that awesome dad got you on a deployment, even if your class teases you about being a hippy. Give it a year and they'll all be doing it to. The skinny jeans were a good choice, don't listen to your her.

4. Don't be so hard on yourself. 
You're 13. Be 13. Don't try to be 16, or 30. Just be a kid. Life is about to get harder. So calm down and be young. The GPA you're about to be obsessed with in high school isn't going to be worth anything. Stop bragging about your grades, it's not cool. Just because you're not the prettiest girl in the room doesn't mean you have to be the smartest. Just be you. Don't be afraid to love Jesus. But don't do "Christian" things to get attention either. Relax about your friends, you don't have to (and can't) solve all their problems.

5. Your friends don't complete you. 
You're 13. Like I just said, you are not the glue to your friendships. Let them mess up, it will help them grow. Stop making promises. You don't have to be "besties" with everyone, just live at peace with all. Don't spread yourself thin in order to make them happy, they won't return the favor. In fact, in a few months, they won't care much about you the next four years. And that's okay. It's life. You're growing up, things change. Let them. Stop taking sides, life is hard enough without making things harder. Have true perspective.

6. Jesus is all. 
I mean really. Take is seriously. You can get by without knowing all the other five things, but this one is crucial. You need him. He deserves your all, not your scraps. Don't use him for your own gain. Put down the New Testament "magazine" bible, and pick up the real one. Stop hiding behind your shyness. It's not going to be a good enough excuse in eternity. You're at war, stop crying about the meanies in gym. Love them, don't be afraid of them. Take up the armor you were given and love. For real. Middle school is a moment, not an eternity. High school is even smaller than that. So stop giving more weight to what doesn't deserve it, and give true weight to the Son.

In Christ. 

5 Things you didn't know about long-distance relationships.

I sit under a nice warm blanket on my favorite chair tonight. I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. Tomorrow my life will be flipped upside down. After almost two years, my boyfriend/fiancé will be moving home. This is not to say that my entire world revolves around him, and by him moving home I am made whole. Nope. I just mean that my days will look very different with him in them. And I thought it'd be appropriate on this eve.

Long distance relationships have a bad wrap. TV always portrays one or both people cheating, doubting, feeling overwhelmingly needy, etc. And they almost never work out. So I'm writing tonight to let y'all know a little of what they're actually like. 

All in all, it's not THAT bad. 

At least, these days it isn't. 50 years ago, I might have been saying something different. But there are too many avenues to communicate with, I can't really complain. So here are a few things that I have learned these couple of years:

1. If you are in Christ, you are already fulfilled.

This goes for all relationships, but it is profoundly important to remember when your partner is physically absent. I can imagine these two years would have been unbearable if I expected Fiancé to fill all my needs. He was never meant to do that. We would have broken up for sure. You will be forced very early on to rely on Christ, because you don't even have the option to rely on him/her. They can't be there to wipe your tears after a rough day at school or work, punch the jerk (figuratively) in the face for harassing you, or cuddle up next to and watch a movie. My man has been "there" for me and very supportive of course, but 750 miles can be tricky. But I got to learn how to love and enjoy him, instead of idolizing my "need" for him. 

2. It's better than the alternative.

I think I've explained this to a thousand people. If you find yourself in our situation, you have two options: be with him at any means, or don't. We clearly didn't think the latter was an option. Sure it's not ideal. But wait, isn't God's plan always ideal? If you know like we knew that this person is who God has intended for you to build a life with (and that person is on the same page), a 100 miles and a few years fades into the distance. God has a bigger picture, and if this is the way he can bring about more glory to himself, who are you to complain? Sure, you could wait a few years, date other people, bring in more baggage from the emotions of having more relationships than you need (one, once) THEN decide, when you think you're ripe and ready to be together. But that could be a mistake. If God has called you to this person, he will prepare and give you the strength for such a time as this. I learned so much from these two years. I grew myself, we grew together, and when God decided we were ripe and ready to be near each other, he prepared us along the way, and now he is coming home. 

3. Temptation is real. 

I'm not even gonna lie to you, this part sucks (it gets even worse if you get engaged). Couples in normal relationships struggle of course, but it's just a whole other playing field. When you have a few days together every few months, the enemy is going to use that against you. You'll think you need to make up for all the lost time. But you don't. If you are in Christ, you have died to self. Don't submit to this yoke of slavery again. The Spirit is there to strengthen you, but just have to listen and submit. It's not worth the emotional and spiritual damage you do to your relationship and yourself to let your flesh rule over you. Remember, you are IN CHRIST, you can overcome it. It is entirely possible. You just have to remind yourself of the Gospel. 

4. People don't actually understand.

I think the most annoying thing is the well-meaning people you talk to about your relationship. They either point out how much distance sucks (Oh, I didn't realize it was hard??) or share how hard it was being apart from their person for that week last summer. I'm not saying that's not hard, but it's like comparing college football to the NFL (although I probably am not the person to compare them, because I'm not exactly a sports person...but you get the point!). Just give me a pat on the back for sticking it through, and ask me how he's doing, that all we want. 

5. It's a communication rollar coaster.

It's kind of a funny thing, communicating across miles and miles. It's actually easier when they're away, than when they come to visit for a weekend. You have to think about what you say before you text it. You don't take them for granted as easily, because every word, phone call, and Facetime is essential. And if you get annoyed by them, you're less likely to say something out of anger. You care more about how their days were, because you actually weren't there to experience it with them. You just have to be super intentional. But when you're together for a week, both your systems are uprooted in a flash. You go from living a fairly autonomous life, to suddenly having them there all day with you. It's overwhelming at times. Your entire life is pretty much on hold when they're there. You squeeze 3 months of relationship into 4 days. You're both overjoyed to be in their arms and weirdly annoyed at the smallest things you never noticed before (not to mention you will spend a lot more money in those couple of days, which is also stressful). Suddenly there is a living person in front of you, not a phone. You can't ignore them. You have to learn to adjust to the waves, or you will both crash and end up fighting and saying things you can never take back. Be gentle. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. 

I hope you're encouraged by this if you in a long-distance relationship or considering one. 

Here's to tomorrow, the death of long-distance.

In Christ.

Why theology isn't just for men.

Why is it that women often function (even if they don't verbally say it) as if theology is just for men? Is it because only men can be pastors and other leaders in church ministry? Is it because mothers are too busy raising their children and running a home? Is it because young women think they can rely on a husband or other male peers to learn it for them? Is it only a masculine thing to do? Do women think that if they knew too much about God, men would be intimidated or turned off by it? Does it even matter to us? Should it matter to us?

Until about two or so years ago, about as much theology could be summed up in John 3:16. I knew the story of the Gospel. The Son became flesh, lived a perfect life in my place, died a horrible death in my place, and rose again. I had that down. And while this is sufficient to live and share with others the story of Christ, it was just one thin layer off the top of the knowledge of God. As I began, and continue to do so every day, to study who God is, who we are as mankind, and what the world is like according to the Word, the more the Gospel I learned. 

Knowing God is like a diamond that has innumerable facets on it. I look (often) at my engagement band. It has one main stone, and several smaller ones along the sides. I could see it just fine looking at its main face, but the more I turn it and examine it, I learn more about it, and it becomes even more beautiful with all of its intricacies. I learn more about who I am in Christ and who Christ is the more I examine Him. The story becomes more beautiful to me the deeper I go. Instead of my sin becoming smaller the more "Christ-like" I am, I unveil more disgusting layers of the filth in my heart. And in return, I see Christ's sacrifice as even bigger, more weighty. It makes me want to fall to my knees in worship. And it makes me want to obey. His sacrifice is so large, anything I could think to give to Him would pale in comparison. It will humble you more than anything. 

So why do some women, including myself at times, think theology is off limits to us? We all read our Bibles, which is more than sufficient to be our guide. But why do we think learning from "old dead guys" is so beyond us? Don't you think we as women could learn from great Christians of the past that have gone through life and learned things about God? Or picking up the huge book with all the big words and reading a couple pages at a time? I promise it isn't boring! 

Hebrews states this, "...by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food, for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil. Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and faith toward God..." 

Do we not think this applies to us as women? Is it really ok for us to remain children in our faith, being spoon fed basic information over and over again by pastors once or twice a week? I don't know about you, but I'm tired of doing this. I want more. I want more of God. 

When I "grow up", my dream would be to to instill a desire in women to learn of God on their own, and to teach them how. To be like the few women that I have been able to sit under and watch them live as biblical women. To be a part of transforming the coming generation of Christian women.

Desiring to learn theology doesn't always mean going to seminary. It doesn't mean becoming a missionary or pastor's wife either. Any woman, young or old needs it. It can help teenagers struggling through growing up. It can help a mother disciple her children. It can teach a wife how to be submissive to her husband in a Godly manner. It can give a woman compassion for the lost around her, for her family, for her friends. It will transform you. Inside and out. 

Please join me in abandoning our tendencies of settling for less and being spoon-fed. Christ is our High Priest too! 

In Christ.

How the Gospel can change the way you treat people.

The Gospel can change your life. It changed mine, and is continually changing mine everyday. It's not a magical incantation you say as an eight year old, it's a slow process of stripping everything about you that runs from God toward a new you, the real you that lays beneath the shadow of the Cross in a humble surrender. This process is continual, each Christian you meet is a work-in-progress. If we finished cooking, God would have taken us from the Earth by now. But as you can see, He has not. So there is still work in me, and all others in Christ.

That being said, I'd liked to share how the Gospel has been transforming the way I treat people. All people. Fiance, family, close friends, acquaintances, strangers. Brothers and Sisters in Christ and lost people.

Before I was in Christ, I was searching. I was empty. I needed filling. I tried to fulfill my needs with people, like most people do. But each relationship left me dry and emptier than before. My parents were (are) loving, incredible people, but as humans, they could never fill the needs that were designed to be sustained by the Father through Christ. As a child, I had one best friend. She was all I had, I was all she had. We were placing all our eggs in a basket that was never meant to hold the weight of another human soul. When I moved away at 12, I was naturally devastated, as was she. As I began to form new friendships, I would jump in so quickly that I would always be left to hang; no one could fill me up. Not one person, not two, not ten. The story is the same with crushes and dating relationships. I expected so much from them, I would suck them dry of everything I needed until they were left a broken shell of a person. The same happened vice versa.

The evidence could continually pile up, but I think you get the point; people cannot complete us. Not one, not two, not ten. People can't fix me, Christ can. The hollowness is supposed to point to the glaringly obvious Savior. People were not placed on this earth to serve us, they're PEOPLE. It's no wonder this world is messed up, every person is walking around thinking every other person is there for them! It's ridiculous, and I thank the Lord that He revealed this part of my ugly sinful heart in order that He could make me clean.

Since Christ not only filled in the gaping hole in my heart, but also gave me a new heart, I see things differently (although my sinful flesh fights me daily in this). I don't look to Fiance for satisfaction, because I know he wasn't given to me for that purpose. I don't look to friends to fix my emotional problems because I have the Holy Spirit inside me who is my Helper. I don't need to put so much pressure on people now that the weight of my heavy soul has been lifted. I don't look at strangers as if they're out to get me, but see them as sad people with the same predicament that I had! If I can continually learn to serve people instead of forcing them to serve me, I can maybe get the opportunity once in a while to brag on my Healer, instead of giving them more emotional baggage after leaving them like others did to me.

People are gifts, not gods. They're never going to fix you, fulfill you, sustain you, complete you, worship you, restore you, or keep you going (or anything else you crave). They were never made for that. They can help you or neglect you, but they fill never make you whole. Look to Christ.

In Christ. 

Why I'm not marrying my best friend.

It's been a few weeks since I've posted. This is partly from traveling, Thanksgiving and family, yada yada yada. It's also from a desire to wait until I thought I had something worthwhile of sharing.

As I am getting married in about 6 months, I may be more sensitive or possibly just more aware of things having to do with marriage and the like. I've often seen, especially in the past few months of young women stating that they're "marrying their best friend in [insert number of days]". And while there is nothing inherently wrong with saying this, and I'm sure it may be earnestly true for some, I think for the vast majority of those in my situation, it just isn't accurate.

First off, the title "best friend" has been massacred in this current generation to the point where it is virtually meaningless. Girls and women (including myself up until the past few years) use it for any person, male or female, that they spend any significant amount of time with. And it is used for ANY close friend. And again, there is nothing BAD about having many friends, or even many close friends, but the word "best" means there is an actual "best". The first place runner in a marathon is the "best" runner, not the second or third or fourth... I could use a thousand other examples, but I think you get the point. And I know language is a living organism in the sense that it is always changing, but can we all agree to be more intentional with the English language?

I have a handful of close friends, all very different girls that I have special relationships with. One speaks truth into me, another is for comforting company, another to speak truth to, and another to walk next to in life, etc. None of these women are inherently better than the next, but I wouldn't call all of them my "best friend" just because I love them more than and spend more time with than other friends. And I may be considered one of their best friends, but that doesn't mean they have to be mine. I think it's ok to have a couple of best friends, but to have ten? That's a little excessive. Friends naturally come and go as a person grows and develops into the person they become. It's one thing for a young teenager to proclaim their abundance of best friends, but if you're an adult, it's time to be real with yourself. I understand wanting a girl to feel special by calling her your "best friend", why not use something less general?

And the older I get, I learn (the hard way) that I can never really have a male best friend. Unless they (if I'm being honest with high school self) are an idol in my life and I am sinfully leaning on them for some sort of male approval, affection, fulfillment, or whatever. Again, I'm sure this is no blanket statement, but it is my personal experience, and I'm positive more women can relate to this than not. There is just some level of physical, mental, or spiritual sense that cannot be transgressed as a Christian without crossing a line that was never meant to be drawn. If you have to change the way you treat a male friend once you start a relationship or marriage with another man, you should never have acted in that manner in the first place (and that is a blanket statement!).

So to my original point: why I'm not marrying my best friend.

Simple answer? HE'S (going to be) MY HUSBAND NOT MY BEST FRIEND.
Fiancé and I are very close. We have learned to communicate pretty well while enduring long-distance. We spend a lot of time together. We laugh a lot and enjoy each other's company. We probably know more about each other than any other person does. We trust each other. We love each other more than any other person or relationship. We're committed to each other (divorce is not a word we will ever use in our home). All of this and more are what most girls, if they saw this written on paper, would ascribe to their several best friends. But this is not. This is (or will be in a fuller sense once we are married) a spousal relationship. It is special, different, consecrated.

Once I am married, I should never be able to compare any other relationship, whether with my mom, friends, or man, etc. And to slap a vague, common title of "best friend" onto my HUSBAND is nothing but a despairing insult. When Fiancé and I marry, we will become one. I am not "one" with
any girlfriend. I would never use such vague language to describe my relationship with him. He's my journey partner, I don't get to abandon him the first sign of disappointment.

On another note, it would be a bit unfair to place "marriage" expectations on one of my girlfriends or expect the kind of communication level I have with another woman with my masculine Fiancé.  Men and women quite obviously communicate differently, and there is nothing wrong with that. It was designed that way by God! So each relationship is to be treated differently, because they are in fact, different.

A girlfriend could understand some things without really having to express them verbally, but you may have to spell out to your partner. And the same goes vice verca. And some things just can't be transferred across relationships, but are meant to be kept private. I can't go around slashing my man to my friends in the name of honesty, and I shouldn't share intimate details of a woman's life to him.

So let's be frank with ourselves and keep the natural boundaries between the different types of relationships.  They're there for a reason. Let's be more intentional with the way we speak.

Thanks for listening to me babble.

In Christ.