God in the Waiting.

(This is my typical, "It's the new year, let's try to blog more" post.)


The first day of 2015 didn't look like what I expected. I expected to have moved to North Carolina already, cooking tons of food in a big(ger) kitchen in a new home while Husband and his friends sat back and enjoyed my food and some football. I thought I would be 20 pounds lighter than I was in October when I started attempting to lose my marriage weight. I thought I would feel more accomplished from graduating college than I do. I thought I would get to see more of my husband. I thought I would be ten times more spiritual than I was last January 1 (because I got married, which, of course, solves all of life's problems...). I thought I'd be starting our new life with new friends, job, church and home.

Instead, we spent the Eve and Day alone, grocery shopped (pretty exhilarating stuff here), cooked dinner in a cramped (seriously, you can barely fit one person in there) kitchen, and busted massive amounts of glass in said kitchen while listening to our loud neighbors above us. The house was a mess, with Christmas presents and more stuff still piled up in every place. (I have to say though, it was nice to actually spend the DAY with Husband, because he usually sleeps all day and works at night.) To my engaged friends, this is real marriage stuff here.

When God promises something, it makes it really hard to wait for it. Back in August, God made it pretty clear to Husband and I that the next step for our marriage was to move to Raleigh, get jobs, a house, join The Summit Church and serve there. It was a step closer to our shared dream of missions. A dream God had placed in each of us long ago. We assumed the move would be in December, once I finished school. My closest friend was simultaneously called to move to the Research Triangle for school, and she is already there. So I feel my heart increasingly ache for the call God has promised us to.

With the weeks passing, the money waning, and no job prospects despite hours of research, we get nothing. No job? No house. No getting out of our cramped apartment lease. No move. We know it will happen, and we trust this, but it is discouraging. I feel like life is on hold. It's like we don't fit here anymore, like Florida has already filled in our absence. I don't want to make any investments or commitments here, when we could move any week now. The same well-intended questions are exhausting. I long for a house big enough to fit more than a love seat. A home where friends and strangers alike can be welcomed in with warm coffee and good food. Not a whole lot, just enough for that. As of now, we can only accommodate one extra, and it makes my heart ache.

The truth is, though, as bland as life is waiting, God is here. God has predestined us for a perfect timing. He will provide a job for us because he said he would. He will provide a home that we need when we need it. He will provide the moving costs despite our bank account. Because his call is sure. Because he needs us here for now. And when he wants us there, we will be there.

I remember that David waited 12 years after being called to be crowned king. I remember that Moses waited in the desert for 40 years, then another 40 in the wilderness. I remember that Joseph was enslaved and rot in jail until he became a prince. I remember that Abraham's promise was not fulfilled for almost 4 millennia. I remember that both Sarah and Elizabeth were almost A CENTURY before they bore a child. Half of Paul's missionary life was waiting. Christ's whole life was basically just waiting for his death. The whole bible is basically about waiting; waiting for the Messiah, then waiting for him to come back. I can wait another month or two.

The longer I wait, the more God reveals to me my own sin in His call. We haven't even moved yet, and I am already coveting a glorious kitchen, finding my approval in new friends loving my hospitality, and a dissatisfied heart with all that God has given me already. I postpone spiritual growth until we can go to a church "good enough for me" (how snobby can I be??). I do the bare minimum because I think I can. I suppose the longer he makes me wait, the more refined I will be when we do move.

The more dissatisfied I get with life in the waiting, the more eager I seek Him. And maybe that's why he makes us wait sometimes. Every lonely night when Husband works till dawn, I long harder for our Maker. Every time I wish we had a small group to spend time with, I long for the fulfillment of Christ as my Friend (not to be cheesy). When I long for peers in our stage of life, it makes me pray harder for those we will have before we meet them. Every time I worry about the costs of moving, I look at the "Jehovah Jireh" tattoo on my left wrist, and remember my Provider. Every time I'm tempted (I always fail at this one) to compare our home church to the church we are moving for, I remember that no church is perfect. Every time I feel disgruntled by my list of complaints here, I remember all I need and all I have been given, and that the list is likely to grow, not shrink, in moving.

Waiting isn't really waiting at all. When we move, we won't have "arrived". There will be a whole new level of problems for us to tackle. Our perfect little life won't be. If I'm not content here, I won't be there. If I'm not seeking Christ here, I won't there. If I'm not being hospitable here, I won't there. If I'm not building relationships here, I won't there. If I'm not working on being healthy here, I won't there. If I'm not grateful here, I won't be there. Waiting is just simply the end of a part of life, nearing the next one. Let this stage end. Let this stage be it's own. Work where you are, then work where you will be. The next stage won't fix me. I won't fix me. Only Christ can. And I need to obey him at all moments, no matter what I expect.

In Christ.