This weird stage of life.

I got married a month before I turned 21. Do you know the average age for a woman to get married today?

27.

That's right, there is a second grader between me and the average woman.

That's not to say I'm better, or worse than a woman who does, but it does mean that by the time that average women does marry, I will be in my 7th year of marriage.

I also graduated a semester early from college, when it is less than common to finish "on time" in 4 years. This is also not to brag, I just happened to know what I wanted, and was blessed with scholarships that I didn't want to waste.

And I got married before I graduated. *GASP*!!!

As I said, none of this is to show that I'm better than anyone else (the more you read this blog, the more you will realize the opposite!), it's just want to point out how few people my age can relate to my life. Which makes it hard. And lonely.

It's a weird stage.

We won't be having any children for at least a few years (because hey! I'm only 21), so it's likely I will feel like this for a good long while. A lot of couples wait less than a year to conceive. Husband and I want to be able to have a stable, strong relationship before children come in to the picture. Our priorities will be right, and children will never be the center of our world or marriage. This also sets us a part. Many young/newly married couples already have children, so the pool of "those that I can relate to" gets even smaller.

I'm 21, married, done with college, with no kids in the picture.

So if there is anyone out there that (actually read this) and can relate...thoughts?

Back On Pointe

Getting back into shape!

I've always been pretty small. I'm 5'1 and small-boned, so weight was never much of an issue for me (except when I was 15, but what 15-year old girl doesn't think she's fat??). I ran cross country all of high school, and rowed my freshman year of college, so Freshman 15 was never a thing for me. While I was never "overweight" I never was super skinny either. Just pretty normal, for my frame. But as my rowing days were far behind me, womanhood caught up with me. My body began to grow up, like all women do, and my frame got a little bigger. I slowly got a little softer, but I didn't gain more than 10 pounds.

That is, until I got married. My husband is a big, tall man's man, and he loves to eat. So I guess, I just started to eat more with him. I would try to exercise every once or so, maybe twice a month. But we ate out more and more, and I was too stressed with my last semester of school to cook much. Within 5 months, I had gained 20 pounds! That might not be much to someone who is 5'9, or even 5'5, but for someone as short as me, that's 15-20% of my body weight!

For 3 months, I've tried, to no real avail, at getting back into shape. I know numbers aren't everything, but I want to be healthy! I'd only lost about 3 pounds (thanks, Christmas), but with school over, there is much less on my plate. I have fallen in love with cooking! I haven't done anything radical, mostly just slow-cooking (my crock pot is my best friend!), but I've just started cooking more meats, less pasta-y carb-y stuff. I cheat my veggies by only eating the ones I like, like bell peppers, onions (do those count?), and green beans. I've tried to drink more water, because that's what we're supposed to drink, right?

If you're anything like me, you like to spend some time on the "Health and Fitness" Pinterest section to get motivated enough to work out. I found several good (let's face it, the pictures were pretty) workout plans, and realized they all came from the same website!

What I love about these workouts is that there are tons of them, so I can never get bored by doing the same thing! If I'm in the mood to work on my legs, I chose one of those, or abs, arms, etc. I also love that there are a bunch of different exercises, so I'm not just doing a bunch of squats or sit-ups. Variety is key with me!

I also love that I can do as many sets as I want. If I'm feeling good about it, I may do 3, or if I'm not feeling it, I just do one. A little movement is better than no movement! Another thing about the exercising, is small steps. Like my cooking, if I do too much, I burn out. So just these exciting workouts, and a little more movement during the day. 

Another key thing for working out that I love with these is that I can do them at any time of the day. And I can do them anywhere! They don't take up much space, and it even works in our tiny apartment! Sometimes I don't get around to it till 9pm, but at least I'm moving! If you live in an apartment or dorm room, these workouts don't make much noise (unless you're huffing and puffing like crazy!). 

So there really is no excuse, which is saying something from the master excuse-maker. Our bodies don't last forever, but God has given us these beautiful, magical bodies, and He expects us to use everything He has provided us to serve His Kingdom. Most diseases and sickness today are caused by lifestyle. If we don't take care of our bodies, how can we be used to the max if were too exhausted, or sick?

One day at a time.

In Christ.

Reviving the Blog!

In an attempt to maintain regularity in my blogging, I am going to *try* to expand my topics of blogging.

• My escapades in teaching myself how to cook and feed a large hungry man 
• Things God is teaching my in all my mess (my usual posts)
• "Book Reviews" on the books I read this year
• My *attempts* at getting healthy, and anything that I find actually works
• Successful and failed Pinterest projects, recipes, etc. 
• Updates on our life and marriage
• Basically anything I find interesting

Here's to a new year!

In Christ. 

God in the Waiting.

(This is my typical, "It's the new year, let's try to blog more" post.)


The first day of 2015 didn't look like what I expected. I expected to have moved to North Carolina already, cooking tons of food in a big(ger) kitchen in a new home while Husband and his friends sat back and enjoyed my food and some football. I thought I would be 20 pounds lighter than I was in October when I started attempting to lose my marriage weight. I thought I would feel more accomplished from graduating college than I do. I thought I would get to see more of my husband. I thought I would be ten times more spiritual than I was last January 1 (because I got married, which, of course, solves all of life's problems...). I thought I'd be starting our new life with new friends, job, church and home.

Instead, we spent the Eve and Day alone, grocery shopped (pretty exhilarating stuff here), cooked dinner in a cramped (seriously, you can barely fit one person in there) kitchen, and busted massive amounts of glass in said kitchen while listening to our loud neighbors above us. The house was a mess, with Christmas presents and more stuff still piled up in every place. (I have to say though, it was nice to actually spend the DAY with Husband, because he usually sleeps all day and works at night.) To my engaged friends, this is real marriage stuff here.

When God promises something, it makes it really hard to wait for it. Back in August, God made it pretty clear to Husband and I that the next step for our marriage was to move to Raleigh, get jobs, a house, join The Summit Church and serve there. It was a step closer to our shared dream of missions. A dream God had placed in each of us long ago. We assumed the move would be in December, once I finished school. My closest friend was simultaneously called to move to the Research Triangle for school, and she is already there. So I feel my heart increasingly ache for the call God has promised us to.

With the weeks passing, the money waning, and no job prospects despite hours of research, we get nothing. No job? No house. No getting out of our cramped apartment lease. No move. We know it will happen, and we trust this, but it is discouraging. I feel like life is on hold. It's like we don't fit here anymore, like Florida has already filled in our absence. I don't want to make any investments or commitments here, when we could move any week now. The same well-intended questions are exhausting. I long for a house big enough to fit more than a love seat. A home where friends and strangers alike can be welcomed in with warm coffee and good food. Not a whole lot, just enough for that. As of now, we can only accommodate one extra, and it makes my heart ache.

The truth is, though, as bland as life is waiting, God is here. God has predestined us for a perfect timing. He will provide a job for us because he said he would. He will provide a home that we need when we need it. He will provide the moving costs despite our bank account. Because his call is sure. Because he needs us here for now. And when he wants us there, we will be there.

I remember that David waited 12 years after being called to be crowned king. I remember that Moses waited in the desert for 40 years, then another 40 in the wilderness. I remember that Joseph was enslaved and rot in jail until he became a prince. I remember that Abraham's promise was not fulfilled for almost 4 millennia. I remember that both Sarah and Elizabeth were almost A CENTURY before they bore a child. Half of Paul's missionary life was waiting. Christ's whole life was basically just waiting for his death. The whole bible is basically about waiting; waiting for the Messiah, then waiting for him to come back. I can wait another month or two.

The longer I wait, the more God reveals to me my own sin in His call. We haven't even moved yet, and I am already coveting a glorious kitchen, finding my approval in new friends loving my hospitality, and a dissatisfied heart with all that God has given me already. I postpone spiritual growth until we can go to a church "good enough for me" (how snobby can I be??). I do the bare minimum because I think I can. I suppose the longer he makes me wait, the more refined I will be when we do move.

The more dissatisfied I get with life in the waiting, the more eager I seek Him. And maybe that's why he makes us wait sometimes. Every lonely night when Husband works till dawn, I long harder for our Maker. Every time I wish we had a small group to spend time with, I long for the fulfillment of Christ as my Friend (not to be cheesy). When I long for peers in our stage of life, it makes me pray harder for those we will have before we meet them. Every time I worry about the costs of moving, I look at the "Jehovah Jireh" tattoo on my left wrist, and remember my Provider. Every time I'm tempted (I always fail at this one) to compare our home church to the church we are moving for, I remember that no church is perfect. Every time I feel disgruntled by my list of complaints here, I remember all I need and all I have been given, and that the list is likely to grow, not shrink, in moving.

Waiting isn't really waiting at all. When we move, we won't have "arrived". There will be a whole new level of problems for us to tackle. Our perfect little life won't be. If I'm not content here, I won't be there. If I'm not seeking Christ here, I won't there. If I'm not being hospitable here, I won't there. If I'm not building relationships here, I won't there. If I'm not working on being healthy here, I won't there. If I'm not grateful here, I won't be there. Waiting is just simply the end of a part of life, nearing the next one. Let this stage end. Let this stage be it's own. Work where you are, then work where you will be. The next stage won't fix me. I won't fix me. Only Christ can. And I need to obey him at all moments, no matter what I expect.

In Christ.

When Self-Righteousness Rears its Ugly Head

It happened again. 

I had just read something humbling in my Bible that morning. I reminded myself of the Christ's sacrifice for my BIG sin. But somehow that wasn't enough to stop me from obsessing over everyone else's sin. 

So what do you do to keep self-rightousness at bay? 

First we must understand where is came from. This is different for situations and people's personalities, but I somehow this plagues us all. So why? 

We (I) forget. 

Am I right? Sometimes I find myself with my Bible open in my lap and I yell at my mother for barging in on my "time with the Lord". Less than a breath is all it takes for me. 

Or I hear a wonderful sermon about how heavy my own sin is and I moments after I give a sarcastic comeback to a friend that gets a lot of laughs, but not a lot of dignity.

Or I post a Spurgeon quote or Gospel Coalition article on Facebook, only to scroll down and roll my eyes at someone else's "hypocritcal" lifestyle, maybe even comment with some "convicting" truth to embarass them. 

Or I refuse to share the truth of the Gospel in a class discussion because I wouldn't want to be misinterpreted and spread "heresy". But really I just wouldn't want to seem unintelligent. 

This list could go on for days. Even in the midst of reminding ourselves of the Gospel. We forget. I forget. 

We (I) don't pray.

This is another big one for me. I'm pretty good about remaining in the Word, but I forget that the Holy Spirit is in me. GOD is in me. I can intellectually understand that God isn't a genie, an Inquisitor, or a distant God, but in practice I tell a different story. I don't talk to God, I don't pray for others more than once in a blue moon. I can't possibly sympathize with others when I refuse to allow God to soften my heart to them. 

We are (I am) simply too in love with our (my) sin.

For me, my self-righteousness comes from wanting to be intelligent. I love being the one in the room that knows about the Old Testament or Church History. I love being smart. I love dumbfounding ignorant people. If I do try to teach people what I know, it's often simply to make myself more impressive, not to help them grow in their understanding of who Christ is. This one involves looking outward too often.

Another form is what I call "morbidly introspective". This one is tricky. It's the self-righteousness that causes us to see our sin as SO big, but view Christ as very small. It's the cause of spiritual depression. "Christ just needs to die on the cross one more time, that last one wasn't enough." This one involves looking inward too severely.

Either way, we are thinking of ourselves. True humilty is not thinking less of ourselves, but thinking of ourselves less. Look up, not out or in.

We (I) don't like to repent.

I think many of us are under the allusion that in order to "represent" Christ we must always be perfect. So we never apologize to lost people when we mess up because then "they'd know we weren't perfect and Christians would look bad". No! If we were never perfect to GET our salvation, then why would we need to be perfect to maintain it? We're preaching with those actions that lost people must be perfect to be saved; directly contrary to the Gospel. There have been some great moments where I have been able to apologize to unsuspecting people, and got to help the, realize who Christians really were. The world tell us to never apologize, the Gospel does. 

Even amongst believers we rarely repent. We just maintaint that polite facade that will never go deeper than that. That 's not the Gospel! We are not separate individuals, we are Christ's Church! Or with personal sins that don't affect others directly. The strongest friendships I have had were with Sisters who knew the junk going on in my mind, and vice verca. Actually being able to help in the process of sanctification. Being told to shut up, being called out. It's pretty effective in cooling self-righteousness. Beyond just having a good time with people who were also Christians doing "Christian" things in a "Christian" bubble, but actually growing in the likeness of Christ WITH others doing the same thing. Together. In front of lost people. What?? Yeah.

I often sympathize with Peter in the Gospel accounts. Driven by his emotions, acts and speaks without thinking, has so much potential but is often his own worst enemy. I find comfort that Christ loved him dearly yet firmly. One moment he was professing Christ, the next Christ called him Satan. Another time he refuses to believe he could deny Christ, and then he did it THREE times (that's two more times than Judas, who knew exactly what he was doing). Another time he's walking on water, then he's sinking. He is a spiritual rollar coaster if there ever was one. Another time he's eating with Gentiles, still another time he's preaching circumcision. I could go onnnnn. Yet Jesus out of His goodness made him a leader in the Church.

There is hope. Our hope was never in ourselves, but always in Christ, the starter and perfecter of our faith. Remember.

In Christ.

Why modesty isn't just for Mormons.

I had a older man in one of my classes ask me the other day if I was a mormon.

I was shocked. We had had conversations before about why I wasn't a feminist or going to grad school. For a man from a different generation, I guess he appreciated what he said was "rare" for a 20-something to believe. I find it saddening that he was so surprised that I didn't feel the need to make a name for myself or prove my "womanhood" by adding a PhD, or had the audacity to think raising children was more important than the prestige of extra money in the bank.

So what made him ask me that strange question?

He had observed that I tended to be overly modest in my clothing. I have a hankering for 3/4 sleeve shirts and maxi skirts. I think they're super comfy and less fussy and I hate having to tug something up or down in order to keep covered. So I simply replied, "No I'm just a Baptist who actually reads her Bible." But for the rest of the day I walked around campus and noticed what others were wearing....

Why?

Why do we dress the way we do?

Why is it important?

Do people even notice? I never really thought so, other than my parents or my (almost) husband. But apparently they do. So here some reasons why it should be not be a surprise to see...

I was created by God.

We were made in the image of God. Made by God. Crafted carefully for a specific purpose, to glorify Him. So if we were made by a Creator, wouldn't we function best if by His intention? This is not to earn His approval, but functioning out of His loving design for His world. 

My body wasn't made for the world.

Um, hello? I know it's not very popular to believe that life is sacred these days, but I think my life is sacred. Not because of what I have done with it, but from it's inception when God formed it. So if my life is sacred, my body is sacred and therefore should not be displayed for all to see. It isn't for the pleasure of random men or the envy of random women. It is precious and of enough value for Christ to die on the cross to reconcile me with the Father. So no,  I will not be giving that up for a cheap compliment. 

My body was designed for the pleasure of a spouse.

As I'm getting married soon I realize more deeply the purpose and physical design for my body. Every detail, whether beautiful or damaged was created to bring pleasure to my husband. This is not to say that that is the ONLY purpose or that someone is lacking if they never marry, but it is an important reflection of something bigger. The more sacred my body is, the more intimate union I can form with my husband, reflecting the beauty of the Christ's love for His Church. A union that brings pleasure to both parties. With such a high regard in mind, it would be strange for me to trade that up for any lesser pleasure. 

My body was created to make and sustain life. 

My body was made not just for pleasure or reflection of Glory. It has a function. A sacred function. I know it's not very popular to think child bearing and rearing is valuable these days, but that is contrary to Scripture. Every part of my body was made to create and sustain life. LIFE. Do we get that? What an honor to be considered worthy enough to bring God's creation in to being! And not only that but to raise that life up to reflect the Glory and Splendor of a King for the generation after that. How dare I turn that honor and duty down to keep from "ruining my body"? My body isn't for me?! Who am I to tell its Creator anything else. 

These things are not Mormon, they are Scriptural and good. They will never earn approval from God, they will never "make us good people". They will simply reflect God's creation to a world that simply doesn't understand. Reflect on this as you get dressed tomorrow. 

In Christ. 

4 Ways Engagement is Like the Christian Life

There are a few things I've learned from being engaged that I understand better in this state, than in the past. As I live in this waiting period I've reflected on how similar this time of my life has been filled with many ups and downs, pointlessness, eagerness, temptation, bitterness, etc. I find it is much like a concentrated Christian lifespan....

1. Emotional roller coaster  

Dreaming about the perfect wedding on Pinterest was fun. Then I got engaged and had to plan an actual wedding. Yikes. So many of my insecurities, expectations, sin issues, etc. came boiling to the surface. I had this idea in my head that everyone I knew expected me to have this perfectly crafty vintage-y wedding because of the way I decorate everything else in my life. I wanted people to be impressed with me. I wanted a WHOLE lot of Bible and Gospel in the wedding, which isn't bad right? Well it is when you do it so people will be blown away by your theology. I got into countless fights with my parents about guest list, food, bridesmaids, you name it. I forgot that it was my wedding, not theirs and that it's ok to disappoint people every now and then.

I've lost sight of what our wedding is actually about; Christ and his Church, Mike and I becoming one. I've cried, yelled, waited, screamed, napped, developed insomnia, forgotten, laughed, punched things, cut myself (on accident), giggled. These 7 months aren't much different than the Christian life because, honestly, I need Christ to get me past this roller coaster of emotions and stress each day. He keeps showing me knew things about my sinful self and about his steadfastness. He is preparing me for such a time as this, just as he is preparing me for His return.

2. Waiting...

I've been waiting a lot. Even if this engagement is a fairly short one, the closer we get, the further away the day seems. I'm eager and scared all at once. Some days I feel to prepared to be a wife, some days I feel like wetting my spiritual pants from because to incredibly worried. I slack off more months at a time, and make strides in a matter of days. I forget why it's worth waiting. 

But I also can't sit around, expecting things to magically come together, or that I can just let the day come and go with doing anything to prepare for it. I have to get myself ready, to present myself as a bride before her groom. Just like the Christian who can't expect to be ready for the Return if I'm sitting on the couch my whole life.

When Christ returns, and He weds himself to His Bride the Church, I will remember how it's all worth it. I will forget how long I waited, and how painful it was to get there; I will only see Christ and how He lead me to him. While Mike is certainly not Christ, I'm positive that once we're married I'll quickly forget all the pains of the engagement, and I'll be consumed with our new life. 

3. The Bridegroom

Speaking of Mike, HELLO? Groom? The whole Bible is about a marriage (I mean, I named my blog "Awaiting the Bridegroom" WAY before I met Mike!), it all culminates in a wedding! In the Old Testament we see Yahweh wedding himself to his unfaithful Israel, and in the New Testament Jesus binds himself to the Church. Every Israelite was waiting for the Messiah. Every Christian out there, then and now, is waiting for His return! We're waiting for a wedding. The Groom promises his coming, and we as the Bride prepare ourselves for the best day of our lives.

4. All those promises 

When Mike proposed to me, he had written out a long letter to me stating his intentions and purposes for our marriage. He read them to me out loud. I'm SO thankful he wrote them down, because I would never remember all the claims he made for our life. He's promises to never leave me, stay faithful, love me, remind me of my worth, help me look more like Christ, etc. Not that he could ever fulfill or sustain those promises to me apart from Christ, but isn't that somewhat of a little picture of what God has done for us? He carefully planned everything, building the relationship, writing down his promises for us, acting out on them, protecting us, waiting for the right time, sealing it with a ring far more beautiful than any diamond; the blood of His Son. God's Word is there to remind us of what we're waiting for, what we're to become, what He has done for us, what He will do. He's so gentle and caring enough to articulate it all for us to understand, so we won't forget and stray. While Mike's promises are fallible, Christ's are good, and kept, and fulfilled. 

So if you're a bride, or soon to be, or dream to be, take heart. The pain is not for nothing. The joy will lead to greater joy. The waiting doesn't go unfulfilled. The picture is so much bigger than your little day. Find freedom in that smallness.

In Christ.